i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
So true for me
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.