“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
No, I don’t think I will.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*