My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST