Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Got ya covered
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?