Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
You Might Also Like
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Everyone’s family
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.