I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone