Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!