we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.