ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.