haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it