me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Leaving the Barbers like
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body