Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT