It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Kermit goes Blue.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Beauty and the Beast
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?