It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.