My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
What personal space?
My dog
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Love is always patient and kind.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”