“Huge”.
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
when dads have a rap battle
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.