i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.