Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?