I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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how to have fun when you’re poor
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Breaking news:
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When ur friends with white people
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”