“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
my first dose meeting my second
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.