There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
You Might Also Like
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Based Erika
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Jesus Christ lmao
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway