“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Smile they said.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Why are bridges so flammable.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.