[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
You Might Also Like
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
What an awful time to have common sense.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.