Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Meanwhile in Portland…
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
next question.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch