Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”