Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
fly smarter, not harder
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”