did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
ouch
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I enjoy a good short stor
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me