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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
That’s incredible! 👌
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit