“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away