November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
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My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo