Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.