Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
You Might Also Like
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.