Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.