on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.