*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
…..pretty much.
Any refunds available?…