Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Kermit goes Blue.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.