Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
We found love in a hopeless place.
Every haunted house movie:
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
From Facebook just now…
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.