I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Who says great literature is dead?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I’m not proud
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
That’s incredible! 👌
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.