You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers