“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
s
oc
i
a
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔