You Might Also Like
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.