[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
You Might Also Like
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.