Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat