First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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welcome back
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Just had my nails done!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas