I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I gave up going to work for lent.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
What personal space?
My dog
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Welcome to the stomach