Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.