If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. Thatād be gross.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a āFancy Turkeyā… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My dad is at it again
*cough*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Good morning, Twitter š
When I say ālet me think about thatā it means Iām gonna ask someone smarter than me
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Iām always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece thatās juuuuust out of reach across the table.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I donāt understāitās 2:15, you canāt have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, Iām threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
much to think about
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
listen closely
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now itās working