Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.