Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
i did the math
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
New Tinder profile.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it