Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
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I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Labreador
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I feel it
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next